EDITOR'S NOTE: This article coincided with Safe Haven Sunday in the diocese on April 14 to bring awareness to the serious issues surrounding human trafficking, pornography and exploitation. Authors’ names were changed to protect their identities.

By Ines C.

We’ve been married for decades. He is a good man. We are both against pornography and its evils. How did I not know? One thing I didn’t understand is the addiction of pornography. It’s a drug hit that has the confusing evil of lust wrapped up in the brain hit of a drug, like heroin. It’s more about the hit than the image they are viewing, but the image is the catalyst to getting the hit.

Now, how did I find out? I came across the search on his phone. At first, I thought I caused the images to pop up. That’s how sure I was that my husband wouldn’t do something like this. Then I saw the search words and I was confused and hurt and shocked all at the same time. He came clean and told me that he had wanted to tell me so many times, but he was afraid that I would leave him.

I was hit all at once with an entire marriage that he was battling this addiction. He had been trying to stop for years and he would go back even though he never wanted to go back to it. He would fall, go to confession and begin again.

I remember that evening, listening and trying to make sense of the nightmare that was unfolding. Our entire marriage now seemed like a lie! I remember telling him that looking at those images and videos was adultery! He honestly seemed as shocked as me that it was adultery, as he said he just saw it as images.

I was in shock. I couldn’t even cry. I just had so many questions. Mostly, why, why, why? I felt so disgusted by what he did! He was a betrayer and a liar! What did his marriage vows mean to him? I thought I knew him, but now everything was in question. He said he was thankful that hiding this tremendous shame was done and that he didn’t have to be alone in this  ever again.

I didn’t know what to do. I felt so betrayed! Could I ever trust him again? Before this, he had my trust, but that was gone! I felt so hurt! Hurt feels like an understatement. I felt like I was being buried by all my questions and his answers. The answers didn’t really help. I felt so ugly! I felt so unappreciated! I felt so unwanted! I felt so cast aside! Cast aside for the immodest, young woman who freely posts on social media. I felt so hurt. I felt so angry at the people who made it so easy to see the pornography.

Our whole culture is permeated with pornography. You don’t even have to search. Once the weather is warm, it’s even more all over the place. The immodesty is even all over the pews in Holy Mass. The crop tops, midriff tops, shorts, short skirts, leggings, tight pants and tight tops are just normal clothing for so many now. They don’t know what they are doing to those with addictions and their families.

I really wish women would not confuse immodesty with beauty, but that is another discussion. The addicts, like my husband, don’t find this beautiful -­ they hate it -- they hate that they go back to this -- they want to be free! The immodesty triggers that bade them to return to the addiction for that drug­ hit are everywhere.

I was angry at people who posted their pictures and videos and hated them for posting it and wearing those clothes. He saw much of this posted on the feeds in Facebook, Snapchat, YouTube and also Google searches.

I don’t know that I had ever felt unloved by my husband, but I did when I found out and I still battle this feeling. When those feelings of betrayal trauma creep back in, I feel unloved, empty, ugly and worth so little. Every time I see an immodestly dressed woman, those feelings hit me hard and I feel like I am being flooded with pain and emotions and I feel so disgusted because I know firsthand the hurt this causes.

I ask men who want to live their faith to be honest about what these images do to them. Women and girls need to listen about how immodesty harms boys and men. It’s not just clothing. There’s an ugly addiction there. Please stop triggering this addiction.

There is so much more I could write about not being able to unsee an image, so please don’t callously say “don’t look” when they see you then they can look away, but the image is in the mind and it can’t be “unseen.” It’s not a boys will be boys thing. That’s always been a lie; it’s an addiction. Much more of the population battles this than most of us realize and it is likely very close to home for a great many of us. We just might not know it yet. Have you ever thought that this could be why your loved one is not a practicing Catholic anymore? Could they be caught in the shame cycle of addiction and don’t feel they can come back to church? This addiction is filled with so much shame and feeling worthless and unlovable.

My husband’s addiction started when a boy from school showed him a pornography magazine at age eight. He didn’t even know what was happening in his mind and body. He was so young and so confused. One time is all it takes to start this addiction. Sadly, the addictive images are posted on the internet and just walking around in public now as normal fashion choices. The children that are being harmed by our culture makes me feel physically ill.

How am I getting through this? The Lord, Our Blessed Lady, St. Michael the Archangel. Pray, love, forgive, surrender, repeat. Lamentations 3:21-26