EDITOR'S NOTE: This article coincided with Safe Haven Sunday in the diocese on April 14 to bring awareness to the serious issues surrounding human trafficking, pornography and exploitation. Authors’ names were changed to protect their identities.

By Catherine d’ Genovia 


I knew, but I didn’t know; hindsight is always 20/20. 

The first red flag was the Playboy I found when we were dating. I did not think much of it back in the 90’s. “Boys will be boys.” Next time I looked, it was gone.

Soon after we were married, the emotional distance started. The lack of emotional intimacy after we were physically intimate was missing. There was a quick move out of the bed on his part. After a while, I started to feel very used; I longed for the emotional connection that  should occur after the physical intimacy. 

Things got busy with children and taking care of them, and the distance remained. I would head up to bed early and he would stay up and watch TV. I was sickened when I would turn the TV on the next morning and find unsavory programing on the screen. Pornography addiction was not even on my radar -- I was so naive.

Time moved on, more red flags occurred: internet conversations, ogling young women, lashing out at me, lack of engagement, denial of physical intimacy or putting me off when I initiated anything, sometimes rough and thoughtless encounters. These all left me feeling used, unloved, unwanted and not respected as person let alone a wife. I felt more like a maid and prostitute than a wife and a friend.

Needless to say, our marriage suffered terribly. There were intense confrontations and denials and fights about his behavior and what he was watching and what we’re allowing the kids to watch. The kids knew something was not right with the constant bickering and general ugliness between us. Still, the idea of a pornography addiction never occurred to me. I understood and continued with my “wifely” duties but felt so used and dirty after physical encounters that sex became emotionally distressing for me, so I stated turning away and denying my husband.

With computers, iPads and iPhones, pornography was available everywhere, any time. Facebook and inappropriate postings along with a change in women’s fashions -- leggings, for young and old, lack of undergarments, tops and dresses too short, too tight and plunging, even at Mass, created a perfect storm. The iPhone was in constant use, and the iPad found its way in into our bedroom under the guise of watching news or sports. So many arguments and lies, so much ugliness and evil in our home -- still I had no proof that he was looking at pornography; he was very sly and would close out screens as I entered the room. Then one night I found the proof I needed on the iPad. Too blatant to ignore, the confrontation occurred, and they continued as did the addiction and the lies. Therapy was started and stopped -- the children knew that something was not right even though we tried to act as if everything was “fine.” There was so much ugliness and lack of respect and love in our home.

Tired of feeling used as an object and tossed aside, I put an end to our physical relationship, which remains today. After many conversations, my husband has accepted this abstinence. My hurt and betrayal is very deep. A good 15 years of our marriage has been fraught with lies, lack of trust and confrontation. I call pornography the “silent addiction,” a “secret” that no one wants to talk about on either side. We have started therapy again, and it seems to be effective as we are addressing other issues.

I have used the pseudonym Catherine d’Genovia in honor of Saint Catherine of Genoa.    A friend introduced me to this saint recognizing our similarities: a difficult marriage and husband, the constant battle between the flesh and the soul, which St. Catherine writes about in “The Spiritual Dialogue’’ as well as Catherine’s courage in the commitment to live a life of celibacy within her marriage. Catherine also persevered in prayer for the conversion of her husband. I highly recommend reading about this saint and her amazing life.

Shortly after I was introduced to St. Catherine of Genoa, Our Lady of Fatima came to my aid in a very powerful way. Our Lady clearly states: “Certain fashions will be introduced that will offend Our Lord very much.” And, “More souls go to Hell because of sins of the flesh than for any other reason!” Both St. Catherine and Our Lady of Fatima confirmed what I had been feeling for years. They provided me with the strength and courage I need to fight this battle.

The sacraments, the weapon found in praying the Rosary, the saints and most importantly, Our Lady of Fatima have all been instruments in healing both of us. My prayer for future generations and married couples is always for an increase in purity, modesty and chastity and that this scourge of pornography is ended.