EDITOR'S NOTE: This article coincided with Safe Haven Sunday in the diocese on April 14 to bring awareness to the serious issues surrounding human trafficking, pornography and exploitation. Authors’ names were changed to protect their identities.

By Margo N.

In the mid-1980s, Dr. Ruth, a German American sex therapist, seemed to be on every talk show in the country. Porn was often a topic for her, and she promoted “a little porn,” believing it was good for spicing up a marriage. Though I grew up attending Sunday school and church regularly, I had drifted away from God and my faith.

One evening we stopped at a video store on the west side of Columbus. My husband went in by himself and came out with an X­ rated movie. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I wasn’t opposed to watching it. Dr. Ruth said it was OK, right?

One night, one movie, one bad choice, and the door was opened to a nightmare that lasted over a decade! I was disgusted with the images, yet I was hooked.

Porn became a drug. We watched it together. I secretly watched it alone. We subscribed to the satellite channel so we didn’t have to go to the video store’s hidden back room. I hated myself, but I couldn’t stop. I felt like I was living just outside the gates of hell all those years, and I felt so much shame!

Then God stepped in -- in a big way! And He reminded me I was made for so much more. I cleaned house, literally, and got rid of every video, every book, anything that was a part of those disastrous years. And I filled my life with Jesus! I studied the Bible, I listened to worship music, read good books and watched Christian movies.

When I realized I couldn’t do it alone, because the shame was too great, I found a Christian therapist, a wonderful grace-giver. She walked back my journey with me, gently and with such compassion that I felt safe enough to share it all with her. And I began to heal from the shame and the pain associated with those memories.

But the images of those movies were still in my brain. I couldn’t just throw them in the dumpster with all the other trash!

It took more counseling, more work, but I learned that we can rewire our brains. The neural pathways can be altered, shut down and redirected. The images came from Satan, so I began talking back to him. If one came to mind, I’d tell him no, and not allow myself to linger with it. That was an important part of my healing process. 

Praise God! I am truly born again. That life feels like it belongs to someone else, not me. It feels so foreign to me. Today I am set free, forgiven, and so very blessed.

Yet I remain vigilant. Satan will never stop trying to win me back. It is my cross to carry, and with God’s grace, I keep marching forward.